you know what, they say

that we should go on a road trip at least once in our lives. and i think, how wonderful it would be to go with you someday, the highway before us stretching on and on. it will be me and you driving through roads wide open and endless routes. we’ll drive past cars rushing by, all of them headed somewhere else. past huge, deserted landscapes with mountains in the distance behind us. you’ll be tapping your fingers on the steering wheel along with the rhythm of our favorite songs playing. and i’ll be sitting comfortably in the passenger seat, ruining every song by singing off-key. but you wouldn’t mind and if anything, you will join me and we will be singing our hearts out and goddamnit, who cares if we’re out of tune. we’ll talk and laugh about the silliest things that would go on for hours. we’ll stop and sit on the trunk, legs dangling over the edge to watch the sun set over the horizon. and we’ll smile, we’ll smile as it slowly takes over the whole sky. you don’t have to have tell me, because i know and you know that i know that there is a tide of mere content that clobbers us.

i wouldn’t mind if i had to read a map, or change the song, or unwrap a candy and pop it in your mouth when you ask me to. i wouldn’t mind if my leg muscles feel tight or if my butt aches from sitting. i wouldn’t mind if there are no more stories to tell, if words hung in the air, if the music sweeps us over, if we sit there all silent and tongue tied and awkward and bored. i could (and i will) do that for hours or even days and i wouldn’t mind. because how wonderful would it be to seated in that car, staring at the window and knowing we’re only inches apart.

archive #14

i know it was stupid of me to have put my trust on someone i barely even knew and lay my heart on the line like that. shouldnt i have known better? shouldn’t i have done it? shouldn’t i have said yes? then again, i did. i have a knack for remembering details and i still remember exactly what happened that one night of my life that rested on a probability, a statistic, a chance of could-bes. how i wanted to keep that moment and say it was where it all started from but instead what i got from the world was a blow to the stomach. a hard one just enough to make me realize how dumb and stupid i am to even think that.  but you know what? it was foolish but i don’t regret it. not at all. had i known all this would happen, and if you were to ask me again, i would have still agreed. i would have still believed in that slightest percent of probability and taken that chance. hadn’t i learned my lesson? hadn’t i learned from that mistake of not being careful and trusting someone so easily? so maybe it was a mistake, a wrong decision but there are things i realized. so don’t be surprised at how deeply i’m taking this all in because it was much much more than just a “mistake”.

what would i lose from saying “what the hell” and just doing it, pride? the fear of rejection? weighted down with uncertainty? the words left unspoken echo louder than screams. and the actions left undone are the multitude of things boiling inside dying to come out. the heart wants what it wants or so they say. and you don’t want to be living past days wondering what might have been if you had said or done that little something you wanted to say or do. or how it might have changed things. stop stepping on toes and tripping on words. whatever it may be, do it. say it. give that somebody your 100% trust. go ahead and send that honest text you’ve spent hours composing. drive miles for the person you miss. take that risk. take that chance. who knows what. if it doesn’t work then it should be okay at least you’ll not be haunted by what ifs and what might have beens. it’s okay to be broken and bruised and hurt. to stutter and stammer and fall. better keep reminding myself too.

archive #13

i hope this is the last morning that i think of you. i think of you as i awoke this morning, lying in bed. i think about that night and how you waltzed in and out of my life, both you did so easily. i remember how it has become a routine to talk to you each day even just for a while. it was nice knowing how you were and who you are. i remember the little gestures you made the night we were together, the side glances and the looks we shared. it feels good to think about it while i’m in my bed, warm and comfortable, like when i was with you. i can imagine nights and days spent with you, doing everything and nothing. i can imagine long drives with you while listening to our favorite music with no particular destination in mind as we amble into the night time streets enjoying each other’s company. i can imagine calling you up at any hour of the day just to tell you even the most senseless of things but you’d still listen anyway. i can imagine you all curled up beside me, fast asleep (warm and ever comfortable) with my company. i can imagine you being my dearest, best friend and with you, it will always feel like home. and i think how great that would be if it were true. how great that would be if you had given it a chance. i stare at the ceiling for a couple more minutes, basking into what could have been and what i had hoped for. i wish the empty white ceiling laid out the answer to the question i had. what went wrong? right then, reality sets in the spur of the moment. i am left with false hopes and longing that will remain unfulfilled. that night ended and we never made it any further. i am still caught up in a stand still, hardly moving, still secretly hoping. what have you done? i cling to the nothing-much memories from a nothing-much time i had with you. all i had ever wanted from you was friendship. plain and simple. was that too much to ask? i was surprised by the steps you were taking and yet i took a chance with you. and now you have easily put down the walls that took years for me to build. tomorrow, when i wake up, i hope it’s not you in my mind.

archive #12

Tonight, I will let myself miss you and remember everything that once was. Everything that only we knew and no one else. Everything that I have tried so hard to forget and shut down. It’s strange, allowing myself to be consumed by the same feelings and memories. Again. I told myself I’m done with it, but tonight I will let myself, once and for all. It’s been months since and I have clearly made some progress. Moving on isn’t something that you ask for and then comes straight to your face the next. It isn’t something that you try to do and complete the next day. It isn’t turning the last page of a book and then immediately starting with a new one. How easy would it be if it only worked that way. Moving on is turning the last page of a book and strangely missing the characters you knew so well. And then scanning through the pages, reading through the best parts because that’s how it is. It’s something that you try to do and fail over and over and over again. It’s something that you ask for but no one else could give it to you. Because only you can do it, only you will know.

Tonight, I will open up the bottled up feelings inside of me and remember. But tomorrow, I will tuck you safely away. Along with the moments we’ve shared and memories we’ve held onto. I will tuck you safely away. Like a letter from a childhood love in a keep sake box, like an extra key kept at the bottom bunk of a cabinet, like old toys and dolls inside one of those boxes found in the basement. Places that are easily accessed but rarely revisited. Hidden safely away but never forgotten.

archive #11

It’s going to be a long ride

To nowhere at the moment

No idea where I’m going

No idea how long it’s going to be

But somewhere sooner or later

I don’t care how many roads it may take

before I even get there

I’m on my way

No more looking back

I know it will be worth it

archive #10

my heart and mind is fickle, inconsistent and indecisive so quit playing with my stratagems and cramping my style now that i am making some progress.

archive #9

what if there are no second chances and nothing more?
what if this is as good as it will ever get?
what if we don’t get it right for the first time?

then we are left with bottled hopes
haunting what ifs and regrets

that is just how things in life work isn’t it?

disappointments, failures and sorrows
not everyone gets it right for the first time
but at least we tried and gave it a shot

because it is not always about perfect timing
sometimes, we gotta take the risk

and fall

archive #8

One day.
You and me.
Anywhere in the world.

archive #7

On and on goes the pretensions. All the I’m okays and I’m fines. You make it seem like nothing is wrong but it’s all welling up inside you. No one knows. No one knows how these feelings are eating you up inside as you hold into that last bit of sanity you could possibly extract from your system. That something you hold on to, whatever that is. All the memories you keep trying to forget will flash by in one uneventful second. You want to let it all out, to throw it all away, the longing, the ache, the missing, the loving that’s gnarled in every nook and cranny of you. But how?

archive #6

there is someone out there
waiting for me 
to come along
miles and miles and miles away
someday
sometime
somewhere
our paths will cross
in an unimaginable way
but it will
and that is all we have got
the hope and the longing and the wishing

wherever you may be
whatever it is that you might be doing
has it ever crossed your mind
we are infinitely separated
by time and space
by matter and energy
by millions of bodies and souls
by mountains and seas and land
by unwavering pasts and presents

Just do not swim away
and then our paths will cross
someday
sometime
somewhere
it will